Story #10. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

I think this is as much a story as any. This deserves a repost and a thorough reading- innocent and lighthearted humor is rare enough to give it value far beyond the two drink minimum clubs.

The Dead Cow's Diary

Bonjour, my dear friends. To be honest, I am totally used to Parisian lifestyle. This environment makes me feel truly bohemian. Hope I don’t sound arrogant….Moooo! I even started introducing myself to other angel cows as Bonbon, just to sound a bit more French. Of course, it is only for the time I stay in France…

French trees and grass appeared to be so delicious! No wonder that their cow models on the posters look so fresh. “You are what you eat”! For sure. Look at this heifer. She is shining with health and beauty. No matter that the picture itself has probably been edited in Photoshop…


This time I went to a wonderful restaurant in the heart of Paris called Le Circus. The whole atmosphere there makes you truly believe that you are a part of the show: the menu, the interior and even their waiters look so authentic that you…

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A Tale of Two Murderers

Signing on again because…
I had potatoes. And pork chops.


I’ll put up a story, this time in English so my audience can actually read it (don’t actually know how many of my visitors are fluent in Russian or Russians, but I suspect they are few, out of some utterly irrational gut feeling.)

Oh, and this is a LOOOOONG one. I hope that’s alright.

Sincerest apologies for the dearth of incessantly upbeat humor, I’m full of pig and sleepiness.

This is a more or less complete story, open-ended enough that I can change the ending at will, set once upon a time in Sicily to the tune of Ennio Morricone’s “Rabbia e Tarantella,” from the film Allonsanfan and reused as the credits theme for Inglorious Basterds.

Read, enjoy, comment and critique below as you please, but most importantly, maintain regular bowel movements, its unhealthy to let sh*t ferment inside of you.

Continue reading A Tale of Two Murderers


Discipline and drill will always win the day. Talent and flash mean nothing without consistently applied effort.
Now if I could just get around to actually swallowing those words…

Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha

Much has been made of outward sharpness; clothes, cars, houses…but those symbols are to impress other humans.  Constantly though, I see well-dressed, appearance-oriented people fail to show up on time, fail to fulfill resolutions, fail to go through the sacrament of daily discipline.  I place emphasis on consistent, sustainable results—not dress, and not even action.  I believe results are attained by communicating with the Universe through quiet demonstrations of exactitude:  Being on time, on target, with the right gear.  Day after day after day.  Daily discipline.  Daily precision.  If the job doesn’t get done, then there damn well better be a good lesson that comes from it.

The other stuff?  That’s just icing on the cake.

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Poetry! Well… Maybe?

This was something I wrote as a culture piece in a indeterminately nearish future grunge sci-fi universe for an obligate carnivore species of seven foot tall metal-scaled horned neo-fascist space viking colonists of a recently deceased empire driven to extermination by a) hubris, b) civil war, c) crapshoot unpredictable sentient robotic war machines, and d) EATING PEOPLE FOR PETTY AMUSEMENT. And their texture.

Continue reading Poetry! Well… Maybe?

Quick Query and Miscellany

Much as I love debating the mechanics of D&D, I am no long-studied wizard in the art of the game– neither am I particularly aged in writing. Eleven years is a long time, but not so long when you still don’t have a driver’s license, still haven’t held even a part-time job, or figured out this mysterious Western tradition called “oral hygiene.”

In the midst of that, I’m contemplating expanding the focus and content of this blog, adding in my random daily sketches (of varying quality, mostly low), droll one-liners, peculiar dreams, and completely out of context happenings from the weekly D&D campaign.

And probably adding more stories. I can’t guarantee any grammatically flawed stories in Russian, but needless to say I was rather startled at the response I received, mostly in that there was a response.


A Story (По-русски, друзья!)

If by happenstance someone who reads Russian comes across this blog, feel free to read it! If you’re really that curious, ask me, and I might actually get to translating it into English.

Because I didn’t write this in English. Just to be clear.

Also, my Russian grammar is terrible.

Холодно, холодно сердцею,

по Ёнотан Вонг.

Там будут нимного ошибек, поэтому много извениния.

Вечеру холодно. Воздух заполнятся крошечеые пятнышков холодность, но он не может видеть один снежинка он вздохнул и продолжает его прогулку, его ботинки загушаются с снегом. Continue reading A Story (По-русски, друзья!)

It’s Been a While, so Here’s a Game!

Something I didn’t make clear in my previous D&D centered posts is my absurd and self-flagellating obsession with modding. Tabletop games, that is, not computer games (which at this stage still overwhelms my capacity for code lingo.)

I find D&D a flawed system— but only in the same sense of a large hunk of unsmelted iron oxide. With a forge, hours of labor, a few watts of electricity for computer power, and the anvil of my desk (using my forehead as the hammer), I can make nearly any imaginable creation from it.

Continue reading It’s Been a While, so Here’s a Game!